I'll bust your ass, because I love you
Often as parents, we are faced with moments that force us to realize that our children, well, they fuck up too. Tuesday night, we had one of those moments.
A mother of one of my 13 year old sons friends, who we'll call Billy, came to our home to explain a series of events involving our sons. Most of it was petty arguing, name calling and insulting each others mommas (and they came up with some pretty good ones too!) but things had gone too far. Let me explain, these boys were friends. Billy has been a guest in our home and my son has been a guest in his. They have spent hours and hours together, even at their birthday celebrations and now ... now they were being just being little as*holes, and here's where it gets rocky.
Because, because it wasn't just OUR boys against each other, it was more boys. And they were gaining up on each other, and my boy - my boy was on the wrong damn side. As she described my sons actions, I could feel my body temperature rise. I could feel the anger swelling in the pit of my stomach, I could feel my heart beginning to beat furiously. No, no no no - I am not raising "boys", the world has enough of those walking around in adult bodies - I am raising gentleman and dammit no way in hell will MY BOY stand on the wrong side of loyalty. I was beyond angry, I was furious! I have never in my life been so angry with that child that I wanted to hit him - except in that very moment. I could feel the pits of anger in my stomach and heart spread and connect, I could feel the anger inside me swell and beg to release through my voice and hands. Thankfully Billy's mother had asked the boys to stay outside while we talked and my son was not in my sight.
Then, then I remembered anger isn't a real emotion. I wasn't angry, I was disappointed. I was so disappointed in my son, and in myself. Where did I fail to instill that value? I have consistently, and often, discussed bullying with my 4 children. Even as recently the day before school as we discussed choices, and the importance of being a reliable friend and I challenged them to sit with a kid at lunch that did not have anyone to sit with. I have raised them to not only stand up for themselves, but to damn sure stand up for not only those who can't, but also those who won't stand up for themselves. We've often used their uncle as an example, as he was born with down syndrome. And yes, I am damn proud of the moments my children have been in trouble in school for fighting or yelling or even disobeying a teacher ... because they were standing up for someone else. I raised them to be accepting and have chosen quality people to be a part of their village who are of nearly every race, various sexual orientations, various religious or non-religious affiliations, nearly every socio-economic group is represented even! Their village is diverse so I can instill in them that everyone has value regardless of their many labels.
Now, don't misunderstand - we don't love everyone. If we don't love you, it's because you're an asshole, but not because your race, color, creed, sexual orientation or whatever the hell else. It's just cause we got to know you and you're an asshole and there's just no room for you in our village.
Assholes aside, I was disappointed that my boy ... wait, guess I am still talking about assholes. MY BOY WAS BEING AN ASSHOLE AND I WAS SO DAMN DISAPPOINTED!
But ... being a kid is hard. Being in middle school is hard. Being 13 is hard, and yeah, rising above the influence - that's hard too. I know my son and he has a good soul. He's rarely been in trouble in any area of his life, his teachers have repeatedly expressed over the years what a good student he is and noted his reliability and leadership qualities. They have even expressed situations he has been involved in where he has been the one brave enough to befriend the child who is outcast and he has worked as a helper with the special needs students. He's a respectable kid, but he fucked up, because we all fuck up sometimes can lose our strength in a group. He took a wrong turn and I was about to yank that boy off that path and set his ass straight.
We called the boys in and my son knew his ass was about to face the shit storm that is an angry mother (it's ok, we know, we know we are capable of feats of crazy from our anger and have moments where our children and spouses wonder if we are part demon). He did not expect however, that his lesson was going to extend far beyond his imagined idea of mom yelling and shouting, being grounded and losing privileges.
I looked Billy in the eyes and said, "Billy, I am deeply sorry for my sons actions. What he did was wrong, and trust me, he will learn from this. You're a good kid Billy, and you didn't deserve to be treated like that. If my son knew, if he thought for just one second how he felt when some of those same boys did it to him," I turned to my son and continued, "If you remembered son how afraid you were when they did it to you, if you remembered how badly you wanted to move because you were scared - if you remembered that - I know you wouldn't have done it." Then he broke, because he remembered. Still then I knew, I needed to break him down further because he is at that crucial age where he is growing into the man he's going to be when he enters the world on his own. I looked back at Billy and said, "I'm sorry for MY son's actions, because I know if he remembered how these situations can escalate, just like they did with his sister, he wouldn't have done it. If he remembered what it did to HER, he wouldn't have done it." My 13 year old my my gaze as I spoke and I knew the power of my words, "Tell Billy. Tell him what your sister did when these things escalated."
His voice shook as he choked back the tears and pain of those memories, of that discovery and he spoke, "She cut." My son drew in a deep breath and spoke again in the voice of a soul who suddenly understood, "She cut herself." and he was broken. I explained to Billy, that just a few years ago my daughter was dating another girl, and other people didn't like that. First they were just mean to her, then it escalated and they terrorized her. I explained to him that we understand what matters is what he feels and that I will do everything I can to make sure my son isn't a part of it, but I was going to do something about the other boys as well because several of them have been in MY house, and they are a part of my village also. I told his mother I was glad she came to me to allow me the opportunity to redirect my son and I partially apologized for being so honest with her son, but we are just damn real.
Then, I began to explain to my son how I was going to handle it. My words were very controlled as I spoke, "Son, I love you, but you messed up. I'm disappointed in you and there will be consequences you have to accept from your choices. Because you damn sure made choices, but you made the wrong ones and that is not the man I'm raising. You are a good kid and I love you enough to set you straight. Since several of you are on the football team, I'm going to your coaches. I know it's hard because you all just want to fit in and be accepted and I know there are so many voices of influence in your heads, but I think your coaches - well they just might be the loudest. And every single one of you signed a code of conduct and committed to being leaders at your school and son ya'll are leading in the wrong direction. I am so proud of you for earning your spot on that team, because you have never played on a team and you had to work hard and, but you earned it. I love nothing more than watching you on that field, doing what you love, but if coach decides to kick you off the team because he expects a higher standard from his players, you'll have to accept that." He responded with the voice of a young man who had been broken, but was ready to suck it up and accept the consequences of his choices. That, that is the boy I'm raising.
The coaches did not disappoint me. We all agreed that the boys needed redirection. They understood their influence and power, and how important strong male role models can be in some boys lives. They understood it takes a village to raise a child. The next day, all 5 boys were spoken to by not only the coaches, but the principal as well and all 5 were suspended from the next game. I do not know exactly what was said, but I do know several of the boys cried - and they needed to. The coaches also took measures to protect Billy as well so the boys would not think he turned them in.
While 3 of the boys are now back in the next game because they and/or their parents convinced Billy to say their child basically didn't do anything that bad, which is just straight up bullshit by the way, a point has been made. Not only do these boys know the community is watching, they know they'll have consequences from their coaches as well. It also gives the boys an out, most of them are followers as most people are, but they can back out by saying, "I'm not going to get involved in this. I've already been in trouble with Coach once, I'm not risking football" because it can be so hard to turn from a group for fear they will target you as well.
My son, he's still suspended. I'm sure I could go to the coaches and plead for him, but I don't want to. I'm disappointed I won't get to watch him on that field this week because I was so damn impressed at his scrimmage when I saw him shine on that field and lead his team. But, he'll sit this one out and he'll absorb every single lesson he needs to learn from this.
As I've told him, and all his siblings - I'll be the first one to bust your ass when you stray. I'l be the first one to knock your ass down, but I'll also be the first one to hold out my hand and help you back up and set you straight. I'll wrap my arms around you and stand strong with you, so the moments I am not there you can still feel my hand around your waist and you can still feel my arm behind you because I've always got your back. I will protect you from everything I can, even if that means protecting you from yourself. Because I love you that damn much!
A mother of one of my 13 year old sons friends, who we'll call Billy, came to our home to explain a series of events involving our sons. Most of it was petty arguing, name calling and insulting each others mommas (and they came up with some pretty good ones too!) but things had gone too far. Let me explain, these boys were friends. Billy has been a guest in our home and my son has been a guest in his. They have spent hours and hours together, even at their birthday celebrations and now ... now they were being just being little as*holes, and here's where it gets rocky.
Because, because it wasn't just OUR boys against each other, it was more boys. And they were gaining up on each other, and my boy - my boy was on the wrong damn side. As she described my sons actions, I could feel my body temperature rise. I could feel the anger swelling in the pit of my stomach, I could feel my heart beginning to beat furiously. No, no no no - I am not raising "boys", the world has enough of those walking around in adult bodies - I am raising gentleman and dammit no way in hell will MY BOY stand on the wrong side of loyalty. I was beyond angry, I was furious! I have never in my life been so angry with that child that I wanted to hit him - except in that very moment. I could feel the pits of anger in my stomach and heart spread and connect, I could feel the anger inside me swell and beg to release through my voice and hands. Thankfully Billy's mother had asked the boys to stay outside while we talked and my son was not in my sight.
Then, then I remembered anger isn't a real emotion. I wasn't angry, I was disappointed. I was so disappointed in my son, and in myself. Where did I fail to instill that value? I have consistently, and often, discussed bullying with my 4 children. Even as recently the day before school as we discussed choices, and the importance of being a reliable friend and I challenged them to sit with a kid at lunch that did not have anyone to sit with. I have raised them to not only stand up for themselves, but to damn sure stand up for not only those who can't, but also those who won't stand up for themselves. We've often used their uncle as an example, as he was born with down syndrome. And yes, I am damn proud of the moments my children have been in trouble in school for fighting or yelling or even disobeying a teacher ... because they were standing up for someone else. I raised them to be accepting and have chosen quality people to be a part of their village who are of nearly every race, various sexual orientations, various religious or non-religious affiliations, nearly every socio-economic group is represented even! Their village is diverse so I can instill in them that everyone has value regardless of their many labels.
Now, don't misunderstand - we don't love everyone. If we don't love you, it's because you're an asshole, but not because your race, color, creed, sexual orientation or whatever the hell else. It's just cause we got to know you and you're an asshole and there's just no room for you in our village.
Assholes aside, I was disappointed that my boy ... wait, guess I am still talking about assholes. MY BOY WAS BEING AN ASSHOLE AND I WAS SO DAMN DISAPPOINTED!
But ... being a kid is hard. Being in middle school is hard. Being 13 is hard, and yeah, rising above the influence - that's hard too. I know my son and he has a good soul. He's rarely been in trouble in any area of his life, his teachers have repeatedly expressed over the years what a good student he is and noted his reliability and leadership qualities. They have even expressed situations he has been involved in where he has been the one brave enough to befriend the child who is outcast and he has worked as a helper with the special needs students. He's a respectable kid, but he fucked up, because we all fuck up sometimes can lose our strength in a group. He took a wrong turn and I was about to yank that boy off that path and set his ass straight.
We called the boys in and my son knew his ass was about to face the shit storm that is an angry mother (it's ok, we know, we know we are capable of feats of crazy from our anger and have moments where our children and spouses wonder if we are part demon). He did not expect however, that his lesson was going to extend far beyond his imagined idea of mom yelling and shouting, being grounded and losing privileges.
I looked Billy in the eyes and said, "Billy, I am deeply sorry for my sons actions. What he did was wrong, and trust me, he will learn from this. You're a good kid Billy, and you didn't deserve to be treated like that. If my son knew, if he thought for just one second how he felt when some of those same boys did it to him," I turned to my son and continued, "If you remembered son how afraid you were when they did it to you, if you remembered how badly you wanted to move because you were scared - if you remembered that - I know you wouldn't have done it." Then he broke, because he remembered. Still then I knew, I needed to break him down further because he is at that crucial age where he is growing into the man he's going to be when he enters the world on his own. I looked back at Billy and said, "I'm sorry for MY son's actions, because I know if he remembered how these situations can escalate, just like they did with his sister, he wouldn't have done it. If he remembered what it did to HER, he wouldn't have done it." My 13 year old my my gaze as I spoke and I knew the power of my words, "Tell Billy. Tell him what your sister did when these things escalated."
His voice shook as he choked back the tears and pain of those memories, of that discovery and he spoke, "She cut." My son drew in a deep breath and spoke again in the voice of a soul who suddenly understood, "She cut herself." and he was broken. I explained to Billy, that just a few years ago my daughter was dating another girl, and other people didn't like that. First they were just mean to her, then it escalated and they terrorized her. I explained to him that we understand what matters is what he feels and that I will do everything I can to make sure my son isn't a part of it, but I was going to do something about the other boys as well because several of them have been in MY house, and they are a part of my village also. I told his mother I was glad she came to me to allow me the opportunity to redirect my son and I partially apologized for being so honest with her son, but we are just damn real.
Then, I began to explain to my son how I was going to handle it. My words were very controlled as I spoke, "Son, I love you, but you messed up. I'm disappointed in you and there will be consequences you have to accept from your choices. Because you damn sure made choices, but you made the wrong ones and that is not the man I'm raising. You are a good kid and I love you enough to set you straight. Since several of you are on the football team, I'm going to your coaches. I know it's hard because you all just want to fit in and be accepted and I know there are so many voices of influence in your heads, but I think your coaches - well they just might be the loudest. And every single one of you signed a code of conduct and committed to being leaders at your school and son ya'll are leading in the wrong direction. I am so proud of you for earning your spot on that team, because you have never played on a team and you had to work hard and, but you earned it. I love nothing more than watching you on that field, doing what you love, but if coach decides to kick you off the team because he expects a higher standard from his players, you'll have to accept that." He responded with the voice of a young man who had been broken, but was ready to suck it up and accept the consequences of his choices. That, that is the boy I'm raising.
The coaches did not disappoint me. We all agreed that the boys needed redirection. They understood their influence and power, and how important strong male role models can be in some boys lives. They understood it takes a village to raise a child. The next day, all 5 boys were spoken to by not only the coaches, but the principal as well and all 5 were suspended from the next game. I do not know exactly what was said, but I do know several of the boys cried - and they needed to. The coaches also took measures to protect Billy as well so the boys would not think he turned them in.
While 3 of the boys are now back in the next game because they and/or their parents convinced Billy to say their child basically didn't do anything that bad, which is just straight up bullshit by the way, a point has been made. Not only do these boys know the community is watching, they know they'll have consequences from their coaches as well. It also gives the boys an out, most of them are followers as most people are, but they can back out by saying, "I'm not going to get involved in this. I've already been in trouble with Coach once, I'm not risking football" because it can be so hard to turn from a group for fear they will target you as well.
My son, he's still suspended. I'm sure I could go to the coaches and plead for him, but I don't want to. I'm disappointed I won't get to watch him on that field this week because I was so damn impressed at his scrimmage when I saw him shine on that field and lead his team. But, he'll sit this one out and he'll absorb every single lesson he needs to learn from this.
As I've told him, and all his siblings - I'll be the first one to bust your ass when you stray. I'l be the first one to knock your ass down, but I'll also be the first one to hold out my hand and help you back up and set you straight. I'll wrap my arms around you and stand strong with you, so the moments I am not there you can still feel my hand around your waist and you can still feel my arm behind you because I've always got your back. I will protect you from everything I can, even if that means protecting you from yourself. Because I love you that damn much!
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