It's my first time and it was not what I expected!

Confession - this is my first time! I'm 45, mother of four children and Aunt to a more than I can count and when we arrived in Midland, Texas on Saturday - I freaked out for a second because I realized - this is my first time! This is the first time in my adult life, since becoming a mother in 1996 (almost 25 years ago) that I have been away from ALL of my children for this long. I think the longest I have ever been without them is maybe three days, and that was only when we moved to Florida in 2000 and the two kids stayed with my parents until I flew back!  In 2001, we drove to Georgia and the kids stayed with my mother in law for three days. Even recently, the husband and I were gone less than 48 hours in March when we drove to Missouri to have dinner with Grandma. Even after I divorced in 2010 and the kids would travel to Houston occasionally to see their dad - they never all four went at the same time, except for 3 day weekends. 

It's kinda weird. I'm at the stage where all my children are mostly adults. I was a homeschooling mom for about a decade, then a working single mom, then I remarried and we've just kept raising these kids and watching them spread their wings as they grow. Three are fully graduated from High School, their compulsory education requirements have been met and they've been released into the wild as "adult people" who are allowed to sign contracts and be held liable (cuz really y'all, that's all that turning 18 is. You can sign a lease, but you're still not old enough to buy a beer - so weird. Ya girl here (who drinks maybe 5 times a year bc it's too hard on my weirdo stomach) believes there should be an automatic exemption for military - if you can protect me son/daughter - you can have a beer on me too, whatever you want bro/sis - I got you!) Then Mia moved out, then Vincent, and then 2 years ago, Giovanni wanted to live with his dad, so he moved out and we've only had Anthony at home since then. It's really quite sometimes!  

We arrived on Saturday and I went to the first four jobs with the husband, sitting in the truck of course. We checked into the hotel about 5 pm and the husband left right after to go to his last job of the day. When I was alone, I had a weird panic. I didn't even know why! I just felt - nervous. 

I don't always love being away from home. While most who know me would say I'm an extrovert because I'm quite friendly and a huge talker, I'm really more of an introvert with extrovert tendencies. I love people, when I'm comfortable. I love meeting new people and pride myself on being able to find a commonality within 5 minutes, we ALL have SOMETHING in common, I promise! But I really really really like my space, like my own personal space with my own personal things. I'm not much of a "stuff" person. I don't need a lot of "stuff", but the stuff I do have, I love and my stuff brings me joy. Especially the little stuff, like the gifts the kids have given me over the years, or rocks from the places we've been. My stuff makes me feel comfortable and safe. Probably because I move a lot. I've moved my whole life! When we moved into our current home - that was my 33rd move! I've moved 33 times - lived in 33 different homes in 4 different countries, 5 states and 18 cities!  That doesn't include traveling or visiting - that list is way longer. I can shy away from travel, but ultimately go because I always have a great time - sometimes I just gotta psyche myself up for a bit first. 

So a place has never been the thing that gave me comfort. I've never been attached to a physical space, just my stuff that moves from space to space. When I'm away from my stuff, I can feel a weird sort of nervous, I just feel minorly insecure. I hate leaving my stuff alone completely. The 19 year old and the roommate are home, so it's nice to travel and not worry about our stuff. And I'm always with my kids, for at least the past 25 years. The year in Missouri was nothing short of amazing, but I felt so helpless when my big kids went through life struggles back in Texas without me. I know, I know, I raised strong, independent people - it's just apparently hard to let go of that sometimes. And really, I rarely even solve any of their problems anyway - they are so capable, but I like to be there just in case and while I can give advice over the phone, there's nothing like hugging a tired/sad/frustrated kiddo, putting some food in their belly and loving them all up so whatever it is, is maybe just a little easier to deal with. I am constantly feeding my adult children anytime they are at my house. It is apparently one of my love languages.

After Anthony graduated though, I felt so weird. Suddenly, I had no idea what to do with my life. I've talked and written about this constantly - but y'all this is a big freaking deal. It's a bigger deal than I realized, it just isn't what I thought it would be. I had heard of the whole empty nest thing and you see the movies where they make it seem like moms are suddenly either crazy or wholly depressed once their kids move out - so it's like that, but not!  Here's what it was for me - suddenly I realized I didn't know how to "live" when I didn't "have to". Let me explain, when you have littles, when you have school kids - you MUST get out of bed, right? You have to actually, at some point during the day - physically get up and do something for someone else - wake them up, make breakfast, go over the day schedule, get them to school, whatever - you have to do something! If you drive them to school, you probably also have to get dressed. If you pick them up after school, then you extra definitely have to get dressed. But - when you don't have to wake up a kid - you don't actually have to get up. When you don't have to care for a child in the morning - you don't actually have to get up. Even before I quit working to go back to school, I have had very flexible jobs much of the past few years and have enjoyed being on my own schedule and didn't necessarily have to get up - but now, I literally really don't have to. 

The only child at home has a driver license and pretty much 24/7 access to my car and lives within 6 miles of his work, Kroger, Walmart, Canes, Wendys, Sonic, Taco Bell, Jack in the Box, Little Ceasers, Chili's, Dominos, airsoft store, and grocery store. Even one of his air-soft fields is barely a 10 minute drive from our house. That kid has everything he needs in his world. I mean sure, he can't really cook - but that boy has a mean Door Dash game and a job and his own money. He doesn't mind spending it on food, so more power to him. And when he graduated, I no longer had to argue about homework (THANK YOU JESUS!), so, my job here is basically nil. I make sure we pay the bills and hang out and chat, but that kid loves his life and friends and really needs very little from me. And that's so weird.

It's been an adjustment. I almost feel like a kid going off to college again. I remember my first week at Southwest Texas State University (ugh ugh ugh - University of Texas at San Marcos - whatever, it was SWT when I went there!) - I felt so free, but almost scared. What - I can do what I want and my dad isn't here to watch me in case I decide to be stupid or forget to read the directions? What? I had too much fun with that freedom, y'all. I did not do a good job. I am not a person who struggles in school, but I failed so hard, because of attendance. My freshman classes all had attendance policies, and I learned what hangovers were - so my am classes and I did not get along. I always did my work, academic grades on point - but every class I failed, except one - was literally only bc of attendance. I failed Botany honestly though. I had the hardest time sitting through a lecture class with 300 other students. I'm a hand raiser - that class was not my flow. 

Now, now that not a single person actually 100% counts on me to get them through the day - I realized it can be hard to get through a day. When you spend almost 25 years raising four children, you have to do something for someone every single day. 25 years is a really long time. It's been my daily for almost 25 years and now, I'm the only one I have to get through a day. At first, I struggled. It was almost as if I didn't know what the point of my life was if I wasn't raising kids. Now, I do not mean that in a self-deprecating way - we're back to the have-to mentality. I only have-to deal with myself. While I love taking care of my husband, I don't actually have-to. He's a grown ass man who is very capable, really he takes care of me a lot ;) Feeding him is easy. He's very simple. He just needs to be loved, feel secure, take care of his family and play video games. He's a super happy guy too, he's an amazing husband and supports everything I do. He doesn't "need" me though, we don't "need" each other, but we choose each other every day. There's a lot of freedom in that. We both know we are not "stuck" with each other, life and love is a choice, and we choose each other.

It's been an adjustment having the freedom to choose and the moment I realized this is the first time I've been away from all my kids for a week, with no real responsibility here whatsoever, I was surprised my first reaction was panic. But, I realized - this week, this week right here - is exactly what I've worked so hard for the past 25 years. The ability for all of my children to be in the world, have their needs met, and experience joy - without me. As that thought processed, I calmed my sometimes irrational self. That's right - that's the whole point of raising them, ensuring that they have the capability to take care of their issues, or to know who to call when they don't know what they don't know. They're all big kids and they have plenty of support all around them from friends and family and it doesn't always have to be me.

It's been an amazing trip. It's day 3 and I think I feel more relaxed than I've ever felt!  I have been enjoying the beautiful weather, chilling on my laptop, walking around a bit and learning all about this city around me. It's been quite peaceful. This morning I did the laundry while blogging in the hotel laundry room and had the whole place to myself. Life is different these days when no-one "needs me" 24/7. I have so much choice in my days, that sometimes that's a little weird and overwhelming. I never expected that, I never expected to feel overwhelmed by freedom. But it's a nice overwhelming, I'm enjoying these days, and I'm enjoy the reward of 25 years of parenting - knowing my children will be okay, even when I'm not there.