I hope she's absolutely amazing!

 "I hope she's absolutely amazing," I said to my husband as we chatted in our garage during our nightly wind-down session. He looked solemnly at the floor and spoke quietly, "Baby, I don't want to talk about this." "I know my love, but we have to. Because it's so important to me that you hear it, so you'll never wonder, you'll never have to question. We need to have this conversation because I want you to hear the words from me. If anything ever happens to me, take your time to mourn, use the life insurance to pay the bills, make sure my kids are taken care of, and when you're ready - you absolutely deserve the opportunity to find another partner to keep going through life with. And I hope she's absolutely amazing! I hope she's the most beautiful, kindest, most compassionate woman. I hope she is a beacon of joy that lights up a room. I hope she builds you up and honors you for everything that you are, because you deserve that. Just don't settle, don't ever settle or I will haunt you from my grave!. If I'm not here, you find someone that thinks you're just as amazing as I do. Because you deserve that. Promise me."

My husband reached for my hands as he finally drew his gaze up at me, "I promise, baby. And you do the same. I don't like talking about it, because we're going to be together forever. But I promise and you promise the same."

It's a heavy conversation, I know. But, for me, it's a must. We have been no strangers to death our whole lives and as a family, we mourn, celebrate and honor those we lost. I have always felt we allow an open space for processing grief and death and create environments where we can still talk about and honor the memories of those we lost. This past year was hard. It's hard to even type the words of our losses and I'm choking back the lump in my throat as my mind recalls the pain, so I won't, not today, and that's ok. 

However, through our own losses, and through the losses of those around us - we have seen just how harsh the reality of an unprepared death can be. There's the pain, and you just can't prepare for that. All you can do is love, daily. All you can do is make sure those you love hear you, loud and clear every day. You can prepare financially. Life insurance is not optional! You must get it. You can't afford not to unless your home and vehicles are paid off and you have tens of thousands of dollars saved. You can afford to give up one other expense to make room for it. In the past six months, we have watched two women lose not only their husbands, but the income their husbands provided. One had to move in with one of their children within two weeks of their tragic loss and put their house on the market. The other, while she should have the opportunity to take time to mourn, is back at work and seeking a roommate so she can keep her home. I don't know if they had life insurance, what I do know is that if they did - it wasn't enough - and that it is just such a tragedy when we are not able to take the time for our humanity because of something as simple as money. If you don't have life insurance - this is what your family is going to go through. Harsh? Yeah. It's really harsh, for them! Get your damn life insurance.

So I have life insurance. That box is checked. I have prepared my family. My kids hate when I say this, but I repeat it to them every chance I get - because I never, ever, ever want them to forget that if they lose their momma - I died at peace. I tell them almost the same spiel every time: "If I died today, I'm ok with that. I've done everything I needed to do and I'm prepared. Did I raise my kids with love and a good moral compass? Yes! If I died today, would my children know how deeply and passionately I love them? Yes! If I died today, do my parents, brother, nieces and family know that I love them so deeply and that I'm grateful for them in my lives? Yes! If I died today, would every single one of my friends know that they have value in my life? Yes! If I died today, would I say I chased my dreams, even if I didn't finish accomplishing them? Yes! If I died today, would my friends say I was honest, trustworthy, positive and that I was a helper in the world? Yes! If I died today, Would I say my life made a difference? Yes! And, I've got life insurance - so I'm ok because I know that all of you would be ok and I did my job." So, family prepared - check.

But, the husband. Oh, the husband. My friends, let me tell you a secret. You've heard it, but it's really true. Husbands are really fragile and soft. Husbands are strong, supportive, helpful and protective - but they're fragile. They love so deeply. They love you so much, that thinking of not having you, they're too fragile. Because that love you pour into them, that love they have for you, that love that makes them smile at you first thing in the morning when you're a hot damn mess with gross ass breath, it's what fortifies that spine of theirs. See, we all have a backbone - we all have a spine, we're born with it. But, like all things, it takes time to fortify. As we grow, as begin to learn to love ourselves and have our voice heard in the world - the fortification begins. Each step of growth, every powerful moment is yet another deposit of iron, strengthening our spine. For some, they have the power to fortify it to full strength all on their own. For some, they choose a journey with a partner. We all come into our partner journey at different iron levels, and for many partners (myself and my partner included), we continue to go through our personal journey to make deposits, but that daily support by your side can create extra deposits to fortify faster and stronger. My goal - to fortify my husbands spine so deeply with deposits, that nothing can break it - no event, no person, no tragedy - even, through losing me. 

I have a few health issues that we've been working on managing, so lately, the conversation is heavy on my mind. Don't worry, I'm not dying, but I'm not 100% so I just like to be honest and say anything can happen. Should that day come sooner than expected for my soul to meet my maker and my earthly body to return to Gaia - I want my husband to know, that when he's ready to go through life with another partner, I hope she's absolutely amazing, because he deserves it. If he ever loves another, it will never mean he didn't love me deeply and passionately, it will mean that he is a wonderful man capable of so much love. It will mean he will give himself permission to continue to live his life in joy, just as I would have wanted. It will mean that that I showed him love was good. Box checked. 

While my mind is right in my middle age, I'll continue to speak the words to my husband, so he'll never doubt. So he'll never live with regret or worry, should he have to continue on without me. So y'all keep him accountable - you better make sure she's absolutely amazing! You better make sure she loves him with every fiber of her being,, like I do, you make sure she honors him and his kind soul. You make sure she is every bit of beautiful - inside and out. I hope she lights up a room with her smile and her presence. And tell him, tell him how happy I am watching him smile from the cosmos, because he has the most amazing smile when he's happy, and have the conversation. Have the hard conversations with your loved ones, with your kids, and with your family. I know it's hard, but you can do it. Give your family permission to live and love without you and make those deposits. No day is promised, but we have today, have the conversation.